:)

hello blog.

haha life has been pretty awsome :)

i'm sorry for treating you like that.. haha i only come when i'm down and depressed most of the time.. yeah i come when i'm lonely and need someone to talk to.

but not today!

haha i'm happy :)

while printing my hope dress pattern.. haha how ironic.

its nice to have something to come back to and spill my thoughts out :) thanks bloggie

haha its starting to look like i'm a super emo person. lol... and everything in my life seems to be in a downcast mode. haha.. i dunno.... i'm just.. i dont know. a little lost right now.

honestly, i dont want to lose what i have with you. its been amazing most of the time.. but its those times that are not that make me doubt that you really love me.

maybe i'm just thinking too much..

but then again.. there must be a reason why i'm actaually feeling like this right? i'm not receiving enough back... haha and its looking like a disappointing emotional investment. should i just drop this share and buy another?

i dont think you realise what i've been trying to tell you. i need attention. i need love and concern- lots of it. i've told you from the beginning about my needs, so its not like i'm getting increasingly demanding, or that you went into this blind.......

i used to know what to do.. me and my ideas to fix things, fix everything, no problem. but now i dont anymore. because even if i had an idea.. you dont seem to want to do it. yes, you used to be willing to do things for me, just to make me happy. not anymore.. now it seems like you're using army as a shield or excuse, saying its army making you tired, stressed, taking up all your time.

i dont believe in having no opportunities. there will always be one. and its up to the person to seize hold of it. if you really wanted something, i'm sure you wouldnt mind sleeping an hour less, turning around and taking the bus back to where you came from just to give someone a hug she needs so badly sometimes. there's always the opportunity... but its all up to you to make it into something great.

yeah i used to know what to do.. but without your willingness to do anything.. my ideas will just be another evidence for me expecting too much and forcing you to do something you dont want to.

so what now?

just yesterday... when you had the opportunity to meet up with me, you chose not to.. and then told me you have no opportunity... and went on to say that you're stressed.

i'm sorry but i dont see the link. its just pointing to how you dont want to meet me at all, right?

ok lets not think too much yang. boys are confusing.

i want a man.

i like wednesdays

i like wednesdays.

makes me feel that all hope is not lost, when all hopes are lost.

makes me feel like i dont care... and people expect you to do so.

makes me feel that i am not alone.. even in a room full of almost-strangers.

makes me feel like i'm wanted by someone.. even though it may be superficial.

makes me

feel

no expectations

haha.. i'm getting a hang of this not expecting anything concept :)

its been a day of no expectations and i feel pretty alright! lol..

the plan is to not force anyone to do anything. everything will be on their own accord.. i'm giving up on trying already. it seems like every time i want something, and someone can't deliver, i can't help but get angry or pissed off.. which makes the other person angry and pissed off.. haha and everyone is unhappy! yeah. no point forcing people to do what they dont want to or can't in the first place.

so far so good, yang!

maybe i this is the start to becoming independent again :) me and my own person myself!

sounds fantastic.

self talk leads to great revelations.

sorry baby, i only run back to you when i'm feeling needy.. lol but i know you wouldn't mind.

if only i was that easy to satisfy.. but if you can have one person, and ONE person ONLY in your whole entire short lifespan..... don't you expect the very best?

yeah but its so unfair to the other person.

haha then again, both sides of the argument seems strong. HUGE debate in my head all the time. its giving me a headache.

at this point of time, i really dunno what to do anymore. i dont want to be a selfish person, but i have my needs as well. and currently, they are not being met.

(its gonna be a ranting page. just whatever comes to mind.)

haha there's too much going on, but nothing at the same time.

i'm gonna swear to myself, not to expect too much from anyone anymore... you'll only get disappointed. haha i'm saying this yet again.... so its not a one-off thing.

yang, you really expect too much of people. you're thinking too highly of people to be capable of delivering.

NO, you're thinking too highly of people to WANT to deliver.

have i ever mentioned that i feel as if i'm giving alot of myself away, and not receiving much back? fuck whoever said that love is meant to be selfless and free.. it doesnt work that way if you're a human being with feelings. if i'm giving myself away bit by bit, and not having that empty space filled or replaced by something... then i'll be like a statue made out of sand, being eaten up by the wind gradually as the days go by, until that fateful day when i will be no more. No way am i going to do that to myself.

my dear friend told me yesterday that she's gonna totally give up of this guy. sure, he totally fits her type.. just that he doesnt pay enough attention to her (not much at all, in my opinion). haha i told her that i'm totally in support of her decision.

if i guy doesnt love you like you love him.... its not balanced. and one day you'll just be left sitting at a corner constantly checking your phone (with no replies) and wondering WHY are you still in this mess? you deserve more, girl! i'm sure there is someone out there who is able to love you more.

haai.. but i'm in a dilemma.

i feel like i've given too much of myself to the wind, and nobody is patching back my lost limbs.. but then i'm too comfortable at where i am that if it wasn't to be, i dunno what i'd do.

i've told you too many secrets. OMG.. and you didnt even KEEP them for me!!! omg.. OOHH my GOD! omg..

SHIT. what the hell am i doing then?? OMGGG i'm such a loser. i just realised.

haha i should have typed all my thoughts out way earlier...... omg shit.

you dont love me enough and you share my secrets with others...omg

what am i to do now.

we're all dying

lol i've always wanted to take a short run to sunset way to have ice cream. LOL doesn't sound right yeah? like.. RUN.. then eat ice cream? and then RUN back? hahahhaha

well i did that today!!

hahhaaa went to dan's camp omg lol its so freaking near actually.. maximum 3.5 km away.

ok on to more important things: PLEASE SIGN THIS PETITION.

i doubt anyone will see this here, but i will try anyway!! SAVE THE RAINFOREST!!!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/petition/312282551
http://apps.facebook.com/petitions/view?pid=312282551

yes. ok i think we're both dying. but trying to live. nothing much to say now..

break!

taking a break from exams.

lol. tomorrow is force nicole to memorise psych stuff and take pictures day!

with my nooby camera.

which reminds me, i have to find it first :P

i just love wedding photos..

using the ironing board as a table... haha i'm desperate!

haha i'm less emo now. lol.

my baby always makes it better with a call somehow :):)

and the paper today was like whatever. lol hopefully i can s/u it!! (omg all i'm asking for is a C!!)

thank goodness chris and i are studying in school tomorrow. i seriously cannot get anything done at home. i'm using the ironing board as a table now for goodness sake! LOL.... maybe there wont be so many people cause everyone is having exams? lol.. lets just hope.

do you know the chinatown fire was started by a storeroom full of sex toys? lol joke of the day..

i'mma happy girl.

need to start running everyday now. getting exam fat.

....

i really should be studying right now. science exam is in 5 hours. and i'm totally not prepared. haha i'm gonna s/u it anyway, but i still need to hit a minimum C+ to do so yes? HAI... mmm, i'm gonna s/u it.

i swear i'll start studying it soon. right after this.

i just want to talk to somebody... haha feeling like such a emo kid right now..

when i look at the happy pictures of beautiful couples on facebook, and read about their sharing of how much they're in love on their blogs... how i wish i can start over again and feel that initial rush. its right at the start that guys actually take the effort to do things just to please you and get your attention- cause you're still that new, intriguing, interesting play-thing in their life. they take note of what you say, do cute and creative things like write little notes to you on paper napkins.. yeah... they take time and effort just to make you happy, to show you that they 'love you'.

over time, when the bubbles in the bathtub are gone, your skin gets wrinkly and all you're left is the cold cold water. people get tired. your one-sided relationship drains you out emotionally. now when he gets you, he forgets you, and you start to feel that you're the one thats foolishly giving.

yes, we should all give freely without conditions, but people have limits. and when its not reciprocal, you're left feeling like a street beggar, hoping for morsels of food.

HAI.. whatever yeah? sometimes its good, sometimes its bad.. just my bad luck i guess

wow, there's a title thing. lol i forgot! can i not title it? i can't think of anything right now.

hmmm i think the above picture collage needs a revamp! (after exams, of course)

i'm comforted by the fact that nobody comes visit this blog anymore. haha after such a long hiatus, its assumed that i've abandoned it already right? lol so wrong..

exams tomorrow. it started yesterday with lit.. which was not fantastic, but i'm not dead for that particular paper (omg i hope!) and tomorrow is science.. followed by 2 papers in one day on wed. i'm so glad there's a break in between weds and dev psych paper. seriously, i predict i'm gonna feel so saturated by then. i shouldn't go swimming then right? lol.. i'll bloat up more than i am now!!

speaking of which, when exams comes, so does the cravings for random junk food. haha stupid cheetos, 160 calories for every 21 sticks. like major fat intake hello brain!! why are you craving it??

according to health psych, there are a few reasons as to people's food choices.

accessibility

exposure

learning (modeling)

in this case of cheetos and yang's eating habits, it would be attributed to ALL 3 reasons stated in health psych. it was firstly exposed to me by dear daniel, as i havent tried it before. then came modeling after people like daniel to eat junk food. and then came accessibility. because it was sitting rrriiiiggghht next to me, perfectly within reach.

thank you health psych. i love you.

haha omg you totally know when one is having exams. hahahaha the person will try to integrate all sorts of facts tested for exams into every day encounters! case closed.

in the security of knowing that nobody reads this anymore.. i'll say honestly that i've been unsatisfied with many things in my life lately. maybe i've been expecting too much.. but then i'm told not to pull down my expectations to a lower level. but it makes sense right? when something is not up to expectations, and you dont want to loose complete faith in that something/completely remove that something from your life/you dont want to feel sad and UTTERLY DISAPPOINTED ALL THE FREAKING TIME, the only practical thing you can do is to lower your own expectations. Right?

right.

there is no other way.

and of course at the same time, i must learn to be more understanding. yes, i tend to jump to conclusions, but i'm taking the effort not to do so, and to think and let time pass a little before i say anything. but at the end of the day, if you walk into crystal jade expecting the spicy beef noodle to be fantastic, but it falls short of your expectations.. you have 2 options; completely abandon the thought of eating beef noodles there ever again, or lower your expectations and try to enjoy it in a new light.

and no, you can't totally ignore the beef noodle in life and order another dish. it just doesnt work that way.

i get so tired of all these sometimes, and i wish i can stop dreaming about the IDEAL and accept the bleak reality. be happy with what i have. but i can't live like that. if i'm only to choose one particular food to eat for the rest of my life, its got to be the best. the very best. the very very very best.

haha i use to spend so much time blogging in the past. how i miss it. blog, you hear me? i miss you!!

maybe it partially cause people dont listen anymore.

Vladimir: To have lived is not enough for them.

Estragon: They have to talk about it.

how true. what will humans be if we dont express ourselves to people who listen? and sadly yes, not many people do take the effort to listen. they may be responding, hearing, but not listening. and many a time when i speak, its like i'm taking up their time and disturbing them. wasting their time when they could be doing something they really like and enjoy.

no, they dont enjoy listening to you. there are far better things to do.

i'm comforted for the gift of friends whose friendship lasts even though we're so far apart physically. KOF forever. (HYPE can come later lol)

i've got so many things to say and update, but thats about all right now..

this place seriously needs a makeover.....

revival? maybe..

from my feel-good website..

http://www.oncewed.com/

maybe i should start blogging again.

it was once a good outlet of sorts for me.

maybe in this time of exams and stress, it might be of use again

haha maybe.

i miss my baby.

wonderfully tired again :)

i love this feeling

being wonderfully tired again.

feeling that i belong somewhere and that there's something to look forward to tomorrow :)

its funny, this random event, when jerome smsed.. he was like checking up on dan and i. to see if we're both doing fine :) thats very sweet of you jerome...

since the past entry, so much has happened

arts camp!!!
dorville left
sam left
psych camp
OG outings
watched transformers 3 times over
daniel's army family day.. thanks hongtaa :)
mr lim's birthday
pre-camp
green hse chalet
HARRY POTTER!! omg we just watched it together and its like really good in my opinion, cause i actually understood the entire thing!! hahaha :)

yeah and like tomorrow is amazing too

i cant wait to start school, yet i'm dreading the potential stress

daniel i want to hug you.

you always make my day somehow :)

happy 20th b'day yan! ....... cya soon dorville...

yanny just turned 20 yesterday!! 23 june.. yeah.. well, the birthday hype in the family sort of died down after we all passed a certain age. i suppose it gets really boring to celebrate at least 4 times a year... having 4 cakes... you know, especially when our birthdays comes in pairs (yan & peng - june, lin and i - oct/nov)

so yes.. we went out for dinner!! lol.. BUFFET dinner to be exact, at sakura, opposite john little/near cine.. its about 26+ per person? so for the 5 of us, plus GST, it amounted to about $139! lol.. expensive, but its like for an occasion, so i suppose a rare, nice dinner out together is alright once in a while.

to be honest, its not the best buffet i ever had.. not that i've been to alot.. well, the trays go empty often... they look empty most of the time.. like SPARSE.. and the variety is not fantastic, and some times i dont feel like eating whatever is offered. just not extremely appetising.. though i must say, their dory fish is fresh, light and palatable... quite pleasant :) OH! their truffles is REALLY nice.. lin kept going back for more! lol.. and they had quite an interesting range of ice cream : ) with rainbow sprinkles! hahaha..

i suppose i'm more of the dessert person, and i totally approve of their dessert line! they have nyonya kuehs and desserts too! thats pretty nice :) i like..

the people didnt allow photography of the food display there.. and THE ONLY CAMERA WE HAD WAS SCREWING UP *hint hint*, so we only took a few pics..

the buffet line is behind...

lemonade..blackcurrent..
peach tea, ice lemon tea, green tea, all the F&N stuff.. you name it!

take 1: i blocked peng's face.

take 2: yan poked her fork with cake in our pic!

...

well there's no take 3! lol..

yan and mummy

lin's face.

erm yeah.. see what i mean by sparse?

YUMMY!! the truffle was gone before this picture was even taken! lol..



thats us :)

yup! well.. dorville is on the plane now to aussie land.. we sent her off just now. its pretty sad that most of the guys are in army and they couldnt make it to send dorville off :( well.. the pillow with everyone's contribution really looks good!! lol.. i spent the whole day just touching up! haha..

hi dorville, if you read this, have fun over there.. and i know you'll totally enjoy studying now! so much so its not going to be called studying, you're going to pursue your interests!! so lucky.. take care of yourself k? and we'll see you back in feb!!

well its been a month already.. since i last updated. and.. everything is alright :) the kiam chye soup today that mummy made doesnt taste like what i'm used to.. its far from how mama makes it... oh well.......

anyways, i've started blogging again because this can be a means of communication with you and because you asked me to :) but i dont have a camera to take down my life out here to show you dear!! can i borrow your's please? this blog has been gloomy for too long now..... it needs some life back, some colour!

k i need to go offline and get ready for tomorrow... gotta wake up super early to go for my medical checkup!! lol.. meeting jolene at the bus stop so we can go there together, and get it over and done with!

and.. maybe i'll get my PDL next week, or tomorrow! haha, i duno. then i can start cheonging my driving!! if i go by school, i can get a test date earlier.

RAAARRrrrr i miss you dan..

yang owns a salad spinner :D

to be read again next may 20

the past week had been, by far, the worst tornado i've ever been through.

everything squeesed into one short week.

future yang reading this, remember this week. because it made you stronger, reminded you of the value of life and the people that are part of it, it made you realise that a moment of slack can have huge consequences.

thank you for every memory. there's no one else like you..

i'm sorry for that one empty promise. i can never make it up now.. if only i had put in more effort. now all i can do is regret and hate myself for it. and also about that one wednesday night. its unforgivable and this regret will always cling onto my thoughts.

so many if onlys.

i hate it that i cant do anything about it now.

its been a week already... 7 days... nobody should have to go through this, but everybody will.

thank you shu, ed, py, min and dan.. for being there when i'm most shattered.

the earth will still spin, and life will have to go on..

i love you mama.

Dear Cosmos

i've been looking through my old entries... some on this blog, and some from the other older blog that saw me through most of my best years..

what i came out of that little reflection of my past was that.. i sort of miss it.

it was so exciting, so thrilling.. so many things to expect and anticipate.. so many unknowns waiting to be found out.. my heart went through trials and tribulations.. so many people came and left.. there was so much to think about.. most of them happy, and i was for most of the time, very very wonderfully tired. i loved it.

right now?

i'm just tired. for no odd reason or whatsoever. i need more in my life right now. i want more to look forward to.

i suppose my priorities have changed and my preferece for unpredictability is slowly turning into a yearn for some stability in my life.. at least for some aspects of it. of which little was granted. but then again, i miss the excitement! sometimes i feel that my life is not as colourful as it can be at this current moment. i'm totally NOT living life to the absolute MAX; something i believed in all these time. i'm not who i want to be right now.

there's so many things i dont like happening around me, things that i cannot control or change.. and the consequences of these happenings too, have gotten me worried scared. i need to feel that i can do something about this, and actually DO something about it. i need to know that i can change things, and that i'm not alone in this pursuit and that you'll be there to actively help me and not leave things idle and simply shrug it off as something i cannot do anyting about but just have to get used to.....

i need some solid assurance. i've seen lots of effort, and i appreciate it alot. it calms me temporarily.. but my jitters dont seem to disspipate.

in the mean time i'm trying to save myself from falling into the pits of depression. i've been tring to get something to occupy my free floating mind from wandering too far off from sanity. hopefully the cosmos will throw me a lifeline and a chocolate energy bar, cause i can't live like this any longer.

all you need is love

yeah. 'wth?' that was what i thought when shu and ed first mentioned it to me. it did take some time for me to decide that i'm actually going, though right from the start i sort of knew i'd attend it anyhow, just cause the peeps were going and i really wanted to see whats going on.

see, my dear friend ed, is not the typical girl you'd encounter everyday. she accepts, but is not... and sometimes she raves about it... and gets caught in it herself.. (well honestly, ed i dont know what you are. haha. doesnt matter anyway, even though you irritate me sometimes, i still love you very much.) she's pretty interested in going and supports the movement, plus shu was going, so i figured..""why not".

"i'll come and i'll hold my boyfriend's hand"

it took a bit more effort than usual to persuade dan to come along with me. he's usually very giving and agreeable with me. such a nice boy. initially he asked " arent you a homophobe?" and i was like.. "sort of.. but.." and he agreed to go with me. but then the day before he was quite unwilling, though not unwilling enough to disagree with me :)

i chose not to wear pink. i wore red. see, red is not pink, but its a relative.. so i'm giving a statement that says i'm not full on YEAH! but i'm sorta ok with it.. (dan claims he doesnt have a pink shirt- you liar! i know you do!) well if it makes a difference, i did tie my hair with a pink rubber band instead of the orange one i had on earlier.. haha

right. so came the event. well i did feel a little awkward. ok no, i felt really out of place, but after spotting shu's face in the crowd, BOY was i relieved... haha. new friends kelly and rachel! hello hello.. everyone was enjoying the happy atmosphere :) those male pussycat dolls can sure move! and the bangra (whatever was seen through the forest of people) was quite facinating...

as i held dan's hand, everyone formed the pink dot that represented acceptance, love, freedom to express themselves, understanding.... and everything that the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) society needs here in our little red dot. it was really quite something to see so many people in our rather rigid society showing up to help voice this cause :)

i've decided that... i still feel a tad uncomfortable with it, but as long as this form of love is not directed towards me at the end of the day, i suppose its ok for people to express their love, no matter the nature of the love given or who its given to... its LOVE after all, and everyone deserves to give and recieve this precious gift. as long as no harm is done in the process, i suppose it is alright.

thanks dan, for coming with me :) i love you.

I love kids