Dear Cosmos

i've been looking through my old entries... some on this blog, and some from the other older blog that saw me through most of my best years..

what i came out of that little reflection of my past was that.. i sort of miss it.

it was so exciting, so thrilling.. so many things to expect and anticipate.. so many unknowns waiting to be found out.. my heart went through trials and tribulations.. so many people came and left.. there was so much to think about.. most of them happy, and i was for most of the time, very very wonderfully tired. i loved it.

right now?

i'm just tired. for no odd reason or whatsoever. i need more in my life right now. i want more to look forward to.

i suppose my priorities have changed and my preferece for unpredictability is slowly turning into a yearn for some stability in my life.. at least for some aspects of it. of which little was granted. but then again, i miss the excitement! sometimes i feel that my life is not as colourful as it can be at this current moment. i'm totally NOT living life to the absolute MAX; something i believed in all these time. i'm not who i want to be right now.

there's so many things i dont like happening around me, things that i cannot control or change.. and the consequences of these happenings too, have gotten me worried scared. i need to feel that i can do something about this, and actually DO something about it. i need to know that i can change things, and that i'm not alone in this pursuit and that you'll be there to actively help me and not leave things idle and simply shrug it off as something i cannot do anyting about but just have to get used to.....

i need some solid assurance. i've seen lots of effort, and i appreciate it alot. it calms me temporarily.. but my jitters dont seem to disspipate.

in the mean time i'm trying to save myself from falling into the pits of depression. i've been tring to get something to occupy my free floating mind from wandering too far off from sanity. hopefully the cosmos will throw me a lifeline and a chocolate energy bar, cause i can't live like this any longer.