:\

have to say i'm distracted.. my mind is busy wandering around, i can't seem to get any work done...

i dunno.. what is this odd feeling.. a desire of sorts? a void? i dunno.... i'm just uncomfortable and extremely distracted.

i don't like this kind of silence. i can't wait 2 months.. what will happen after that?

haha

bad news :(

i won't be able to go back to school on tuesday :(:( at least if i do, it'll be at 7pm EARLIEST, assuming we take only 30min for presentation prep and everybody comes on time :(:( daaammnn...

my dose of sweetness for the week is gone just like that :(:(:(

ohh but thursday is still on :) haha.. need to practice my skills and be super pro and impressive HAHAHAHA :P omg... lol yang please stop it haha! omgggg :) hahaha

i'm super grateful for the little things in life that brings me so much joy! haha.. they're something look forward to after a night of unpleasant dreams..

honestly, for the past week, there hasn't been one night that i haven't dreamt of him. but its because i've got SO much more to look forward to now that it doesn't affect me as much as it would have a month ago.... one episode stood out like a sore thumb and it felt so real.. we were hugging, and he was going for a kiss, but i stopped him said "if this is not real, i'm not going to". my mind was clear that this was only a dream, and even in dreams my mind controlled my emotions. (well done, mind!). poor psyche still has to suck it up and move on..

such is life. people come, people go... no point leaving space in your heart for someone who doesn't think you're worth the effort and who doesn't care. no point trying 24/7 to get someone to open up to you when they can't... they're inept in the emotional-social department.

haha hello? if i didn't freaking force you to go for arts camp, would you have the friends you have now? if i didn't organise odac dinners and force you to go for them, if i didn't suggest and help you PLAN to have bbq parties at your house, just so you will be willing to spend time with odac people (dont have to get out of the house).. would you have approached them on your own? i don't think so. because you view life in the mindset of a passive lazy ass, that people are not worth your effort to maintain the relationships that you have. you lose interest, plus there's no effort. i wish you all the best.

hahaaa thank goodness this blog has become long forgotten...

17 again

ooohhh my goodness :) heee omg.. hahaha i feel like screaming out to the world

I LOVE TUESDAYS!!!!!

hahahaha heeee whooo!! i'm so happy hahahaha hahahaha ohhh goodnesss hahaha :):):) tuesdays rock my socks haha omg :):)

takes much courage.. lol.. but ohh the rewards... my tummy feels funny. hahaha <3

today, i've had the best tasting dark chocolate EVER. haha EVER EVER. heee.. melts my heart <3 i feel 17 again.

i can't stand myself, like SERIOUSLY.. what's wrong with you?? goodness gracious yang!! hahaha grow a sense of shame!! restraint yourself!!!! hold back omg you're so freaking obvious!! so shameless!! haha cannot cannot. must remain an eyecandy. AAAHHHH lol....

oohh but you're so mesmerising... my heart can't stop smiling when i see you :)

decisions.

yes, yes i'd really like to :)

no, no cause its hard not to..

yes,

no,

yes,

no,

yes,

no,

yes,

no,

yes,

no,

yes.

i'll try-

butterflies, butterflies, we were meant to fly :)

i'm still new to this scene.. its my first, and don't really know what happens.. i haven't found patterns and answers yet. how long should be set aside before i'm socially 'allowed' to love again? i used to exclaim "oh wow that was quick!" when somebody that has just recently been single gets together with somebody else just a month or two after. my presupposed concept was that there should be some time before the next, if not it says a lot about that individual and why they were out of the last relationship in the first place..

hmm i guess i just didn't understand then. haha, now i do.

some people just heal faster.. some people just make the decision not to waste time for now.. some respond by other means of destruction.. some seek another's company instantly... and there are those that mope and weep till their souls wither away.

i suppose my happiness gene does not allow me to see the world as miserable for very long...

let them nasty butterflies bring me towards the clouds! :)

oohhh i'm too obvious, can't stand myself. lol but i can't help it :P

oh be still, my heart!

sigh..

'liquid paper'

sometimes i really, truly, honestly, genuinely, forget what you said... naturally blanked it out/erased off my mind..

and things become comfortable and awesome :)

back to the past.

but returning to reality and out of the boundaries of my own perception, this does not dissolve the fact that i'm not being clear. this is exactly what will lead to a messy ending.

what to do?

bubble tea!!

had a nice long chat with a friend who is far far away last night till early morning :) HTHT session lol... these two are gonna last :) i have a good feeling about it! haha.. they're kinda one of my only hopes that things do last and love does exist. haha i sound like some 40 year old virgin now yeah? :\

haha its nice to have someone miss you like that, i guess. and i can only guess right now.. haha that kind of feeling to me is long lost in the distant past. i yearn for that feeling of yearning for someone.. to have someone special to care about and whom i can be completely comfortable with... no inhibitions. someone i can be totally crazy with and just be myself. i had that once upon a weary time, but thats no more... sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be able to let anyone else in again. the risk is too high, and i don't have the energy to spend so frivolously anymore. i want to be alone, but yet i need company.. i want to be loved unconditionally and i want to love back with the same intensity.

how do you tell this to someone who is pretty much the opposite of what you want and need?

i can't even bear to read your messages anymore. please stop being so nice.. because i still feel like running far far away, and you will, at the end of the day, feel like you've been led on and have wasted your time on a lost cause. think of me as something unattainable, that way, you'll be able to stop treating me this way.

i wish you will chance upon this post and read it for yourself.. i can't bring myself to say it to you directly or even indirectly... things were great before, but it will never be the same again. i won't be able to behave like i did before what was said. i don't know what to do..

i can't wait for december :D lol so exciting... i've been looking around at things that i'd like to do there. (just realised how long i'm actually going to be away LOL. about time eh?) maybe it'll be like another india trip.. the first few days or so, i'll dread being away, but eventually, i wouldn't want to come back. there's really nothing holding me here, if not for uni and my bond, i'll probably be nestled in the mountains of the himalayas, hand-pumping water for shower and to wash my clothes, and teaching little Lamas english in the afternoons.. and i say this with all honesty and with certainty.

i'm craving bubble tea. haha

i love lovey dovey korean dramas.

but that does not mean that i want my life to be like that.

do not view your life as a drama. because it will turn into one.

its all about perception.

its not so complicated. human beings are simple and easy to deal with.

simplify. simplify. simplify.

....

who am i kidding?

crazy.

why am i prone to such things, you ask?

maybe i'm giving the wrong signals when i'm just being my friendly self.. should i change? i dunno.. i don't believe in changing myself, if its not for the better. will being less friendly make me a better person? but its essentially who i am! maybe its a matter of changing the way i express friendliness :\ but then it'll be a conscious effort on my part.. and i wouldn't be truly myself anymore!

WHY SO COMPLICATED???

i have decided

i have fantastic friends that i love so so so so much <3 <3 what will i do without you guys, SERIOUSLY?? :):) amazing.. god-sent! :):) thanks alot alot, shu, for helping me book the plane/train tickets AND offering to get me a SIM card!! omg.. lol unbelievable.

i really need to dig out the thesaurus for more alternative words to describe my feelings of gratitude and joy! :P

time to look for the little mermaid :)

erm.. well.. i have decided... that there is nothing. i can't imagine it as of now....

haha maybe this is how he felt/feels. and i understand what he meant now.. even though it hurt to hear it then.. i think i feel the same way now.

i've come to accept my past relationship as a learning experience that i do not regret going through.. and through this past few years i have learnt ALOT about myself, about relationships and what i really want in a life partner.. i can't help but compare it to the past..... its just not the same. and the differences.... i don't have that extra oomph feeling, i guess. haha how to say.. lets just leave it as that...

maybe its time to start hinting more.. that what it was before and what it is now is all i want to be. in the gentlest way i know how... please let it be alright this time with this one... i really don't want to lose a friend because of such silly complications again.

focus on travel plans!!! :):)

can't wait to spend christmas with my london lovelies <3

I'm going to see the world!!! :))))

hellooo haha :)

guess what?

I'M GOING TO SEE THE WORLD!!!!!! :D:D:D:D

omg freaking happy!! lol ..i still can't believe it. it hasn't sunken in yet. haha but i will when i start planning my itinerary. and when i finally settle my connecting flight! lol omg... a million thanks to my dear friend, ed. it wouldn't be possible without you. seriously, you're the best!! :):) OMG this is surreal.... in about 2 months time, i'll be off!! wow... just wow...

it'll be a planned, oraganised, reckless time of my life. hahaha i feel free to do what i want. no obligations to anyone.. i don't have to consider somebody else's feelings or be held back by anyone. this is LIFE as i depict it. just me against whatever comes my way! its going to be a great learning journey. time to find myself again :)

today has been simply marvelous!! :D:D seminar today was pretty alright :) and then jolene was around - she just came back from vietnam!! :) she's great to talk to :) lol KOREAN DRAMA!! omg.. lol :) and then lunch with jo, chris, huitze, hazel, eva, ritz and eric.. and jielong and a little bit of terrance. and siyuan and his funny reactions to girly things... omg lol they're so lively. :):) brightens anybody's day easily! i love thursdays... OH! and i met esther and huiyi by chance.. lunch/tea on tuesday! :):)

fantastic.... simply out of this world! i've ran out of words to say awessome.. lol, every other word feels overused. lol

WOW.. lol!!

nicole, shu, min... i'm coming!!!!! :):):)

:):):):)

tomorrow..... haha well..

i'll make up my mind tomorrow. come up with an (non)action plan? lol yeah. lets see how it goes..

maybe?

maybe there's a reason why you're the only one who thinks i'm always so happy..

maybe its because i'm always happy..

when i'm around you.

with the passing of time..

inspired by a friend i've misjuged some time ago (goodness, we're actually so much alike!)... i've decided to start blogging again.. maybe its a good place to set down all my thoughts without having the fear that a particular somebody will be reading it.. and if they do, well, i have nothing to hide. its just an outlet i guess.. i'll look back at this and smile one day, hopefully, as a better, happier person :) my heart is open again.

september has not been the best of months.. reading my last 2 post today, about a year on... haha.. well the feelings then are exactly the same as this september.. its time to stop this vicious cycle. i shouldn't have to convince myself that it staying in that relationship was the best anymore.. i guess i've just had enough too.. and i agree. it was over a year ago. i was just too stubborn to let go. but who can blame me for being a fighter?

its been 4weeks already since we've spoken.. and honestly, i don't feel terrible anymore.. things are seriously looking up :) i'm finally able to do things that i really love, without having to consider about someone else's feelings. OMG I'M GOING TO SEE THE WORLD THIS DECEMBER!! :):) i feel my time for being reckless and free is running out, and its NOW OR NEVER!! :) lol... i'm gonna book tickets this saturday! copenhagen and london. india is not fixed, i'm still trying to get to tenzin at the monastery.. and our no-no leh tenzin yangdhu has kindly offered to help me talk to the head monk if they don't reply soon :) he's amazing... omg i miss ladakh!! especially the people there.. tundup, our acho leh, chosgyan.... i will be back there soon, for sure!

right now?

well, my brother is baking another cheesecake for me.. he's just learned the existance of electrical appliances that can make his baking life that much easier, lol.. i suppose brothers are gifts for us to treasure.. they're always there, and always have your wellbeing in mind :) even if its just a craving for cheesecake! he's fantastic, and if you ever read this, bro, i'd like to say that you're the best :) thank you.

on a side note.. i don't know what i'm feeling right now.. like.. i'm seriously looking forward to this friday, i really truely am :) i can't wait to share cake with you by the riverside.. you've been an unbelievable gift to me these past 3 weeks or so.. haha, sometimes i wish you were him, and he was you.... why can't he see me through your eyes? but you're different :).. its been such a long time (maybe even never) that i didn't have to plan for something to happen.. when i wanted to spend time with someone, i always wondered if he really wants to hang out with me, or he's just going with the flow with no emotions. its different with you.. omg i think you're too nice! i'm glad you are, but i wish you weren't... it just confuses things. should i be feeling happy just yet? i mean its only been a month. and here you are.. i just don't know what i feel about this. my heart is happy, but confused and afraid and my head just thinks too much! haha i'm still messed up inside in this department.. hahaha sigh..

maybe i just need some time to be alone, single, and unbounded. that way i can only break my own heart. haha... silly words... i just hope i don't end up wasting your time.. but i've told you.. i can't promise you anything. but if you're going to try no matter what, i'm not going to stop you. i want to be good friends :)

just one question though.. where's the line between that and something more?