while printing my hope dress pattern.. haha how ironic.

its nice to have something to come back to and spill my thoughts out :) thanks bloggie

haha its starting to look like i'm a super emo person. lol... and everything in my life seems to be in a downcast mode. haha.. i dunno.... i'm just.. i dont know. a little lost right now.

honestly, i dont want to lose what i have with you. its been amazing most of the time.. but its those times that are not that make me doubt that you really love me.

maybe i'm just thinking too much..

but then again.. there must be a reason why i'm actaually feeling like this right? i'm not receiving enough back... haha and its looking like a disappointing emotional investment. should i just drop this share and buy another?

i dont think you realise what i've been trying to tell you. i need attention. i need love and concern- lots of it. i've told you from the beginning about my needs, so its not like i'm getting increasingly demanding, or that you went into this blind.......

i used to know what to do.. me and my ideas to fix things, fix everything, no problem. but now i dont anymore. because even if i had an idea.. you dont seem to want to do it. yes, you used to be willing to do things for me, just to make me happy. not anymore.. now it seems like you're using army as a shield or excuse, saying its army making you tired, stressed, taking up all your time.

i dont believe in having no opportunities. there will always be one. and its up to the person to seize hold of it. if you really wanted something, i'm sure you wouldnt mind sleeping an hour less, turning around and taking the bus back to where you came from just to give someone a hug she needs so badly sometimes. there's always the opportunity... but its all up to you to make it into something great.

yeah i used to know what to do.. but without your willingness to do anything.. my ideas will just be another evidence for me expecting too much and forcing you to do something you dont want to.

so what now?

just yesterday... when you had the opportunity to meet up with me, you chose not to.. and then told me you have no opportunity... and went on to say that you're stressed.

i'm sorry but i dont see the link. its just pointing to how you dont want to meet me at all, right?

ok lets not think too much yang. boys are confusing.

i want a man.

i like wednesdays

i like wednesdays.

makes me feel that all hope is not lost, when all hopes are lost.

makes me feel like i dont care... and people expect you to do so.

makes me feel that i am not alone.. even in a room full of almost-strangers.

makes me feel like i'm wanted by someone.. even though it may be superficial.

makes me

feel

no expectations

haha.. i'm getting a hang of this not expecting anything concept :)

its been a day of no expectations and i feel pretty alright! lol..

the plan is to not force anyone to do anything. everything will be on their own accord.. i'm giving up on trying already. it seems like every time i want something, and someone can't deliver, i can't help but get angry or pissed off.. which makes the other person angry and pissed off.. haha and everyone is unhappy! yeah. no point forcing people to do what they dont want to or can't in the first place.

so far so good, yang!

maybe i this is the start to becoming independent again :) me and my own person myself!

sounds fantastic.

self talk leads to great revelations.

sorry baby, i only run back to you when i'm feeling needy.. lol but i know you wouldn't mind.

if only i was that easy to satisfy.. but if you can have one person, and ONE person ONLY in your whole entire short lifespan..... don't you expect the very best?

yeah but its so unfair to the other person.

haha then again, both sides of the argument seems strong. HUGE debate in my head all the time. its giving me a headache.

at this point of time, i really dunno what to do anymore. i dont want to be a selfish person, but i have my needs as well. and currently, they are not being met.

(its gonna be a ranting page. just whatever comes to mind.)

haha there's too much going on, but nothing at the same time.

i'm gonna swear to myself, not to expect too much from anyone anymore... you'll only get disappointed. haha i'm saying this yet again.... so its not a one-off thing.

yang, you really expect too much of people. you're thinking too highly of people to be capable of delivering.

NO, you're thinking too highly of people to WANT to deliver.

have i ever mentioned that i feel as if i'm giving alot of myself away, and not receiving much back? fuck whoever said that love is meant to be selfless and free.. it doesnt work that way if you're a human being with feelings. if i'm giving myself away bit by bit, and not having that empty space filled or replaced by something... then i'll be like a statue made out of sand, being eaten up by the wind gradually as the days go by, until that fateful day when i will be no more. No way am i going to do that to myself.

my dear friend told me yesterday that she's gonna totally give up of this guy. sure, he totally fits her type.. just that he doesnt pay enough attention to her (not much at all, in my opinion). haha i told her that i'm totally in support of her decision.

if i guy doesnt love you like you love him.... its not balanced. and one day you'll just be left sitting at a corner constantly checking your phone (with no replies) and wondering WHY are you still in this mess? you deserve more, girl! i'm sure there is someone out there who is able to love you more.

haai.. but i'm in a dilemma.

i feel like i've given too much of myself to the wind, and nobody is patching back my lost limbs.. but then i'm too comfortable at where i am that if it wasn't to be, i dunno what i'd do.

i've told you too many secrets. OMG.. and you didnt even KEEP them for me!!! omg.. OOHH my GOD! omg..

SHIT. what the hell am i doing then?? OMGGG i'm such a loser. i just realised.

haha i should have typed all my thoughts out way earlier...... omg shit.

you dont love me enough and you share my secrets with others...omg

what am i to do now.