haha HI SHUXIAN deaarr...

you're so funny :)

maybe its cause we're fated to be almost just like sisters,

even if we're busy with our own lives and dont get to talk as much,

fate still brings us back again somehow.

♥

hi

i'm back.

yes once again i'm feeling low.

No, this time is different. My heart has shattered into a million pieces. Its not whole and simply hurting.. its being smashed and stomped on by someone i thought i could give my everything to; my life, time, secrets, thoughts, feelings, my future.. yes i very strongly felt SAFE to give my ALL to this one person. and i'm feeling so cheated and stupid for doing so right now.

no girl should ever trust any guy to be true. its not a generalisation, its just pure facts.

i'm still fighting for what i thought was real.. i'm fighting with a wall, but do i care? no. it seems like a fruitless expenditure on my end, but why am i still doing so? because a huge part of me still believes in what we had. and that its not our fault entirely that you are feeling this way about us. we were happy, weren't we? until this past 2 weeks where you suddenly had alot of work to do with all the scheduling and all (which you didnt explain to me more than that because its complicated and you thought that i wouldn't understand anyway). This is my stand at least... but you're not reply my sms or picking up my calls. i feel really like, in YOUR words, "throwing a ball at the wall and having it bounce back".

you said the old you died long ago. and that the person that i fell in love with is now dead. I DONT BELIEVE THAT. my baby is still alive. he was alive the last weekend we met. if you tell me that all the joy you made me feel and that i saw in your face when you laughed was all the fake new daniel, than thank you for making me feel so fucking cheated of my feelings. i feel so naive for believing it. you know i will believe whatever you say. and you've used that against me to cheat on my feelings. omg how can i be so stupid. i feel like such a fool.

right now i hate you, but i know fundamentally that i still love you. the pain that you are putting me through is overwhelming and i cannot take it anymore. dont be surprised that if at the end of all this, i find some way to kill myself. this is not a suicide threat. but still, its exactly what i feel now. haha i now understand why some people that i once thought was stupid to end their own lives after a failed romance actually feels. its true that it appears that its better to end my own sufferings than to go on living. its really alot to take. too much to take.

you say that you're not running away.. i know thats what makes you tick. i learnt this from the last huge argument that we had last year. it was also about the same topic as we are dealing with now. its the exact phrasing of the words that make you tick. i like that i know that.

i wish you would just make up your mind as soon as possible. because if your choice is to stay and work it out, we can get out of misery quickly and get back to our happy state. but if you choose to leave and run away from us, then i wish that you'll do it quick too. so that i can get over you and start a new life with a new light. also, i wish that you would not do it over an sms. i wish you will come to me and tell me that you dont love me anymore face to face. i hope that you're not the coward. my baby isn't a coward. hmmm but he died, remember?

at times, this past week.. i felt that i should just end this myself. hey, if this guy is having doubts about what we have, whats the point of fighting so hard? i have exams next week and i'm brooding over this. whats the point right? then on the other hand, what we have is too precious to give up so easily. its a dilemma all over again. a dual between my loving side and my strong side.

i think what i will do now is to keep fighting. until i can fight no more.